All Thirteen

So, I enjoyed both iterations of Ocean Eleven. Not the greatest, but both Sinatra and Clooney had their moments. Sinatra's infrared footprints kicked ass, Clooney's trick with the van and the porno pamphlets made me laugh. But I thought they were only ok. Each one, good, not the greatest. Then came the brilliant, off the charts insanity of Steven Soderbergh's manic, interpretive dance climaxing Ocean's Twelve. It was intensely, perfectly, gorgeously wonderful. Absolutely genius.

But tonight I watched Ocean's Thirteen and I am hereby flummoxed, totally, unutterably flummoxed about the critical reception of this film. Super Dave was in it! Does anyone comprehend the joy of that?

I mean, ok, after 11 and 12, we know that these guy are basically super heroes, but set that aside and just love every second of this. (Though don't you wish that this was Ocean's 13 in the sense that there was an original film called Danny Ocean. It's the story of this small-timer who pulls a pretty good job, but maybe things don't work out. He makes some contacts and starts to learn his way around all these terms and phrases, pulling it all off at the last second by using something we heard about in the first 10 minutes. Then, in the sequel, Ocean's II, Rusty's Revenge, he meets Rusty and they are rivals at the beginning, but they come around as the caper starts to get tough. This would have been back a ways, so it could end with a really 70's high-note of them jumping in the air and high-fiving. And then through the whole gang, with some members who maybe don't make it, or we learn more about the relationship between Linus' Mom and Dad. I mean, obviously no one pulls a crime in this world unless there is a woman who needs to be picked up, so there MUST be a good story there.)

From the ridiculous, "After all the critical bitch-fits, we'll never get Julia Roberts back." one-liner, "It's not their fight." we're off and running into a plot as absurd and hilarious as anything we've ever seen. Honest to God, where do they get these scripts? Did they rape Frank Sinatra's dream closet or something? These scripts do NOT come out of Hollywood. They come out of some insane crime subcontinent where thieves have names for anything that they do. I mean, maybe I've just hung out with the wrong thieves, but the robbery I'M aware of is just called robbery. And for those of you who know me, you know that's true. But these guys, they have names for everything, clever names, names that reference funny things. They are like the drill-instructors of the criminal world.

And Oprah jokes? I mean, A.) Who does Oprah jokes besides me? And David Paymer was in it? I mean, I know I'm gushing, but it's just awesome. And I love that they show the slot machines at the airport, and 11 million, too great. The score is good, not Ocean's Twelve good, but I owe Vern for pointing that out first. (Damn, that guy gets EVERYWHERE first.)

It's not as straight-up wonderful as Ocean's Twelve, but I loved it. Soderbergh can basically do no wrong. (I even loved Full Frontal, and that took some doing. But he owned me after Schizopolis, I'll always love him for that one, and he never does me wrong these days. The Good German was a little rough though. I understood the plan, but it was NOT realized.)

And when Andy Garcia tells them they have to get the diamonds... Let me stop. Run, don't walk, to bi**orrent and d@wnl@ad this sucker. It is worth it, every step.